Curbside Cupcakes was fighting a losing battle from the start. Despite the fact that it was my inaugural D.C. food truck, it faced the disadvantage of an aggressive and judgemental reviewer. It’s really rather unfair for Curbside Cupcakes to have such an experienced professional judging them, but that’s no excuse for mediocrity. Would an Olympic judge cut Kerri Strug any slack just because she was obviously injured while competing for the glory of her country? Absolutely not, they gave her the gold because she was an excellent gymnast (not to mention warrior, hero, and true American). Similarly, my standards are paramount, and as an esteemed judge I will not be cutting any slack if baked goods do not perform to the highest standards.
inquired what Curbside Cupcakes’ best flavors were and was directed to
try the Cookies & Cream. The cake was subpar and I could have
easily made something better from a box from the grocery store. The
rich and creamy frosting was the one redeeming quality. For the cake to
taste as bland as it did, I’d at least hope for some fancypants
frosting job (including, but not limited to: sprinkles, flowers,
rainbows, or a monogram of my initials), for aesthetic pleasure, but I was
not indulged. If the Cookies & Cream is what Curbside Cupcakes has
to offer at its best, I’m not impressed. Naturally I had two cupcakes
to properly research, but the Strawberry was even worse. It tasted like
a strange muffin with frosting. Regina George described this
pseudo-pastry best as “kind of socially retarded and weird.” This was a
social outcast in the cupcake world. In fact, I’m frightened to think
of what the others tasted like (and I certainly won’t be finding out.
See you soon Crumbs). For the sake of this review, Curbside Cupcakes
would have been better off if I’d ignored the advice of what was “best,”
and ordered something else. At least then there would have been a
small shred of hope that I was to blame for not heeding their advice and
that there were greener pastures ahead. Unfortunately I can’t even
give them this small piece of credit. The only reason to go to Curbside
Cupcakes is if you’re not passionate about your cupcakes and have low
standards (hopefully this is no one I associate with).
Cupcakes was kind of like going on a first date with someone you met at
the bar over the weekend. At first, the idea of going on a date with
the person you made fun of for two hours while sloshing back Bud Lights
seems exhilarating and adventurous. However, as the date progresses and
you realize you’d rather be playing back your Draw Something
competitors, the excitement wanes and you realize you could care less if
you ever see the said date again, or eat another Curbside Cupcake
again. It was fun while it lasted (debatable) but you certainly won’t be back for a
second date, or cupcake.